Smashing patriarchy daily.

You’re so good. I don’t want to touch you–I’ll turn you into a terrible person. My negative energy, my self-loathing, it will rub off on you… you’re too good of a person to be with me. Yet for some reason you’re laying here in my bed.

I open my legs and I’m vulnerable. This human being takes over my whole body, breaking, entering, and taking what’s mine… but I want to give it away. You can have it. I’m not completely alive unless I’m being fucked.

It seems artificial because there are no expectations and no obligations… but maybe that’s what makes it the most real human connection of all. Trembling hips, contracting muscles, force and submission, giving in, letting go, purging my self-hatred. There are absolutely no needs and nothing owed. Just pure physical and mental ecstasy, experienced only through this erratic, seemingly haphazard grinding movement, this unlikely fusion of bodies.

I want more, but I’ll settle for sex… because I don’t deserve anything else.

As women we are supposed to be ashamed of our sexuality. We’ve been taught to be discriminating in our sexual choices, as if our gender’s sex were something to be placed on a pedestal, something sacred, a rare gift. Conversely, men are supposed to be “programmed” to want sex constantly, and therefore their sexual promiscuity is honored. These cultural expectations are clearly unfair and I want nothing to do with them. I’m slowly shedding these antiquated ideas. It’s become a point of pride for me to have amazing one-night-stands without regret. I consider them small accomplishments–notches under my belt, if you will.

I’ve got a handful of crushes at the moment, both male and female, and it feels wonderful. More sex, fewer relationships–that’s been my mindset lately. I’ve been in serious relationships continuously since the young age of 14. It’s time for me to experiment and have some fun, without any sort of commitment. I even have a “To Fuck” list stored in my Blackberry at the moment

This is not to say that I don’t protect myself. I’ve always been a condom Nazi, ever since my dad showed me the “condom drawer” in his dresser, which we shared for most of my teenage years. Speaking of which, I found out that my grandma’s recent surgery to remove her cervical cancer wasn’t entirely effective. This means the cancer may be spreading, which absolutely breaks my heart. I love my grandmother so much and I’ve never had to deal with something so emotionally heavy. She contracted HPV several years ago which eventually developed into cancer. I’m still on the fence about the Gardisil vaccine because I’ve heard horror stories about women getting violently ill from it. But wow, HPV is so common these days… and it can be fatal. I’m going to Houston next weekend to visit her and make sure she’s doing well. I want her to be happy and healthy more than anything right now.

A less depressing topic: District 9. OMGZ. Best movie of the year, hands down. I was so impressed with the social commentary, the visuals (I believe it was shot on the RED), and the acting! What a heavy film, with serious genocidal implications. It reminded me of the Holocaust at times. The film essentially described the many ways in which human beings oppress and dehumanize each other. Moon comes in as a close second for this summer. Plus I want to bang Sam Rockwell.

I also started watching Mad Men and I can’t quite decide how I feel about it yet. I understand that the blatant racism, sexism, and homophobia is supposed to be a critique of the era, but I’m still not sure that that comes across in a responsible way. I also dislike the female characters and I’m hoping that one of them shows a tougher more dynamic side, and soon!

Well, I need to crash hard. Another 14 hour day on set tomorrow. This hell is almost over!

I’ve been thinking about how interesting it is the way I can easily move between my role on film sets versus my role in my daily life. On set I dress down, I don’t wear makeup, I lift heavy shit, I put together equipment, and I’m just “one of the guys” if you will. Outside of that world I’m (believe it or not) extremely feminine. For example: I fucking love dresses. I would wear a beautiful dress every day if it were up to me. I dance on a pole. I flaunt my female sexuality. But on set I am a dirty, sweaty, tough little lady. It’s strange the way a person can easily move between seemingly opposing gender roles. It makes you think.

I might be going to San Miguel, Mexico next week. Jonathan invited me to come along but I can’t make up my mind! It seems dangerous but exciting. Eep!

I have a confession to make: I’m obsessed with the HBO series True Blood. The show has all of the elements I need: it’s witty, hypersexual, gruesome, and extremely progressive. However, what’s most satisfyingly shocking is the way in which the show promotes a gay agenda. The subtext of the show creates a link between vampires and the gay community. For example, the vampires in this world are tired of hiding from society and pretending to be something they’re not, so they have decided to “come out” (as they refer to it on the show). This has created an uproar from the religious right who claim that the vampires are less-than-human and will taint their children and the church. On the other side, the left adamantly defends these creatures, insisting that they deserve the same civil rights as humans. Further, there is some hinting at the legalization of human/vampire marriage (ahem–remind you of any current political battles?). Another bold move is the fact that there is a gay, black character, Lafayette, who shares an onscreen interracial kiss with one of his “clients” in Season 1. This is pretty groundbreaking stuff, considering the mainstream’s usual heteronormative leanings.

Now this is all well and great, but what of a feminist agenda? Unfortunately, the show doesn’t have one–at least not from what I’ve seen. One issue I have is the show’s treatment of women, particularly the principal character Sookie. Unlike her feminist predecessor Buffy who was intelligent, sexy, and kicked ass,  Sookie is only sexy and… well, helpless. In fact, she has two men constantly competing for her attention, all-the-while trying to “protect” her (and her innocence?) from the supernatural world that they inhabit. Sure, she has mind-reading capabilities, but physically she is useless.

Another problem I see is the extensive focus the show places on Sookie’s virginity (and loss thereof). Sookie falls for Bill, a vampire who is 150 years her senior, and much of the kink on the show comes from the sexual tension between the two. Now believe me, I find that aspect to be quite a turn on. It’s just that Bill is such a traditional protector and father figure that he hardly gives Sookie a chance to think and act for herself.

As a feminist I’m often torn by these situations. While I enjoy the show and it’s subversive commentary, I still dislike the vulnerability of the main female character. Perhaps this will change as the series unravels, but something tells me it won’t. A’la Twilight.

I am so sick of being in this rut. Last semester I was on an absolute high, wrapped up in the work that I was doing. I was motivated about the projects I was working on, I was in love, I was free… these days I simply cannot push myself to work on creative things. It’s living in a party house that’s getting to me. After House of Commons caught on fire everything changed. It threw my perspective off. I can’t get it back together. I’m working on three film projects simultaneously!

Men. Jesus Christ. At the age of 14 I taught myself how to build websites. It was all downhill from there. I took that skill and turned it into a profitable business. Only the product for sale was my naked teenage body. For my midterm I confessed my entire fucked up sexually rebellious adolescence to my History of U.S. Feminism professor and she gave me an A. Can you believe that? When I subjected myself to the sex industry I saw a whole other side of the male species, a dark side that most women are able to block out. I will never see them the same way again. I want to be ignorant again, instead of being so hypersensitive to every sexist fucking comment and action that I witness on a daily basis.

The sex I have is pornographic. I can’t get these images out of my mind. Know what makes it worse? Men are raised on these images. They come to understand sex through this absolutely pervasive outlet that tells them what to desire. Women being slapped, choked, gagged, having their heads forced into toilets and flushed, being fucked then left on the streets. I know this all too well. Most women don’t.

This is not what women want. Pornography represents an exclusively male fantasy. Women don’t orgasm. Women are tools. Women serve men’s fantasies, but they aren’t fantasies at all. Porn tells men what they should want. I want sex that isn’t tainted by the media’s fucked up, skewed, patriarchy-fueled idea of the dynamics between men and women. Sex that is free of power. Does that even exist?

I’d like to discuss the disturbing cultural phenomenon known as He’s Just Not That Into You, a best-selling book which has sadly been adapted into a movie (currently #2 at the box office). The book opens with condescending, gender-based assertions such as “Men find it very satisfying to get what they want… If we want you, we will find you.” The authors go on to essentially excuse the behavior of men in relationships, placing all of the blame on the confused and frustrated women who need to pay more attention to how men function.

Possibly the most frightening section is when the authors try to convince women that men should be the pursuers, because “men like the chase.” In other words, women should sit back and wait for men to find them. I find this idea extremely offensive, not to mention backwards. Personally, I find it very off-putting when men approach me. I’m not a timid gazelle ready to be preyed upon. As a confident, independent, and self-assured woman, I take much pleasure in the pursuit of men. The desire to pursue is certainly not an inherent, biologically male trait. Further, the book/movie makes the gross assumption that all women are looking for romance and marriage material. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I have a vagina and those things still make me want to vomit.

Overall, HJNTIY makes women seem like desperate, pathetic, idiots who would be much happier if they would just be more passive and let men do the work. Conversely, it presents men as being simple-minded, knowing exactly what they want, and never sending mixed messages. I know plenty of men who play games, and plenty of women who cut the bullshit and are upfront, myself being one of them. I mean, how many creeps have approached me at a bar or a club and not been able to take a fucking hint? I’m just not that into you, moron. Anyone who buys into this sensationalist fluff has obviously been brainwashed by traditional gender stereotypes.

On a much more positive note, I found this video on a small matriarchal culture to be very interesting: http://current.com/items/89611656/women_rule_our_tribe.htm

I’ve finally found someone who I can reverse gender roles with and it feels liberating. You see, the type of men I’ll actually date are few and far between. For one, I refuse to be involved with someone who doesn’t consider themselves a feminist. I can’t stand men who play the dominant, macho role that society has assigned them. I prefer more dynamism, more fluidity.

I thought our philosophies were too contradictory at first, but eventually I realized that they mesh together quite well. We finally determined that we’re fighting the same evil: oppression. While he sees the State as being the ultimate oppressive power structure, I see patriarchy in the same light. He’s influenced me to be more of an anarchist and I’ve in turn made him more of a feminist. We teach each other so much every day, and it makes for an interesting and healthy relationship.

Tonight at the house we had a really interesting group dance session. The music was broken down into 5 parts (Stillness, Staccato, Chaos, etc.) and it was essentially a metamorphose of expressive bodies, reacting to a variety of sounds. Once the initial awkwardness wore off, I felt free to move about however I desired. Afterward I felt so relaxed and at peace, like I’d shed a bit of my ego. It reminded me that I need to meditate more often.

I also forgot to mention in my last post that I got the internship at the Austin Film Society! Woot Woot!

The burlesque/house show was out of control. There must have been 300 people there at one point. B L A C K I E was by far the best performance of the night, and has since become my new hero/lover. He somehow manages to fuse hip-hop and metal and… it’s just fucking amazing. But back to the burlesque! Tassled titties were exposed, violent whipped cream cumshots were had. Need I say more?

Lately I’ve been sort of depressed, mostly due to the negative reactions I’ve been getting from people toward my feminist views. Lip Service is somewhat in limbo right now and may be canceled this semester. Apparently we broadcast the sentence: “How many penises can you put in a woman?”, which is by FCC standards considered to be sexually explicit, and therefore obscene. I do recall someone saying this, but only in an analytical context, speaking matter-of-factly about the violent trends of pornography. I’m going to do my best to get a second chance on this one. If we have to tame the sexual aspects of the show, that’s fine. I would just be so lost without the show. There’s no other platform for my radical views.

On a happier note, the first weekend of shooting went well. We were able to knock out the motel, office, and house scenes. This upcoming weekend we will hit the green belt, the “cave” (our basement), and a cafe. Then we will wrap up at The Mohawk and Bookwoman the following week. I can’t wait to see all of the footage! By the way, I wanted to let everyone know that we will need a ton of extras for The Mohawk shoot on Friday January 23rd, from noon to 5 pm. Please come out if you can make it! You’ll get to drink and be in a local independent film!

Now that I’m on Christmas break I finally have time to read again, so I’ve been tearing through Robert Jensen’s Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity. I was a bit skeptical at first, but the book is actually less moralistic and personal than I had expected it to be. Jensen essentially targets society’s expectations of a socially constructed masculinity as the source of violence and woman-hate within pornography. Rather than placing blame on any one group, he asks that we move away from masculinity toward a world where we can simply be human.

Jensen was very much inspired by Andrea Dworkin, one of my favorite radical feminist authors and activists. Many people (feminists included) think that Dworkin was too bold, too offensive, and too radical, but I think otherwise. The only real feminism is radical feminism–fuck sugarcoating the issues to appease the mainstream. Dworkin was an activist who spoke out and acted against rape, domestic abuse, and pornography. She fought adamantly against the left-wing liberals and libertarians who insisted that porn was about freedom and self-expression, an argument that I have never been able to comprehend. One of my favorite quotes from her sums up my bewilderment totally: “In pornography we literally see the will of women as men want to experience it.” As long as we live in a patriarchal society, porn will never reflect the true sexuality, experiences, desires, thoughts, hopes, dreams, will of women.

I will be reading pieces of Dworkin’s essays and speeches on Lip Service tonight at 9 pm so be sure to listen.

Tonight on Lip Service we had Big Star Burlesque in the studio, Texas’s only plus size burlesque troupe. They were such a mind-blowingly sexy, intelligent, and confident group of women! It was so inspirational to listen to them speak about how proud they are of their bodies, and how liberating it feels just to “let it all hang out”. All of this in spite of the fantastical, idealized notion of “beauty” (a.k.a. THIN) that is being perpetuated by the media and driving many women to starve themselves.

Speaking with these girls tonight really inspired me to form my own troupe, so I’m rounding up a bunch of us from HOC to start one! I’m thinking a veggie theme will do. Man, it has been so long since I’ve been involved in the sex industry. Now that I have a fresh, more nuanced perspective, I’m really looking forward to diving back in: and this time it will truly be a feminist endeavor.

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