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As women we are supposed to be ashamed of our sexuality. We’ve been taught to be discriminating in our sexual choices, as if our gender’s sex were something to be placed on a pedestal, something sacred, a rare gift. Conversely, men are supposed to be “programmed” to want sex constantly, and therefore their sexual promiscuity is honored. These cultural expectations are clearly unfair and I want nothing to do with them. I’m slowly shedding these antiquated ideas. It’s become a point of pride for me to have amazing one-night-stands without regret. I consider them small accomplishments–notches under my belt, if you will.
I’ve got a handful of crushes at the moment, both male and female, and it feels wonderful. More sex, fewer relationships–that’s been my mindset lately. I’ve been in serious relationships continuously since the young age of 14. It’s time for me to experiment and have some fun, without any sort of commitment. I even have a “To Fuck” list stored in my Blackberry at the moment
This is not to say that I don’t protect myself. I’ve always been a condom Nazi, ever since my dad showed me the “condom drawer” in his dresser, which we shared for most of my teenage years. Speaking of which, I found out that my grandma’s recent surgery to remove her cervical cancer wasn’t entirely effective. This means the cancer may be spreading, which absolutely breaks my heart. I love my grandmother so much and I’ve never had to deal with something so emotionally heavy. She contracted HPV several years ago which eventually developed into cancer. I’m still on the fence about the Gardisil vaccine because I’ve heard horror stories about women getting violently ill from it. But wow, HPV is so common these days… and it can be fatal. I’m going to Houston next weekend to visit her and make sure she’s doing well. I want her to be happy and healthy more than anything right now.
A less depressing topic: District 9. OMGZ. Best movie of the year, hands down. I was so impressed with the social commentary, the visuals (I believe it was shot on the RED), and the acting! What a heavy film, with serious genocidal implications. It reminded me of the Holocaust at times. The film essentially described the many ways in which human beings oppress and dehumanize each other. Moon comes in as a close second for this summer. Plus I want to bang Sam Rockwell.
I also started watching Mad Men and I can’t quite decide how I feel about it yet. I understand that the blatant racism, sexism, and homophobia is supposed to be a critique of the era, but I’m still not sure that that comes across in a responsible way. I also dislike the female characters and I’m hoping that one of them shows a tougher more dynamic side, and soon!
Well, I need to crash hard. Another 14 hour day on set tomorrow. This hell is almost over!
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I’ve been thinking about how interesting it is the way I can easily move between my role on film sets versus my role in my daily life. On set I dress down, I don’t wear makeup, I lift heavy shit, I put together equipment, and I’m just “one of the guys” if you will. Outside of that world I’m (believe it or not) extremely feminine. For example: I fucking love dresses. I would wear a beautiful dress every day if it were up to me. I dance on a pole. I flaunt my female sexuality. But on set I am a dirty, sweaty, tough little lady. It’s strange the way a person can easily move between seemingly opposing gender roles. It makes you think.
I might be going to San Miguel, Mexico next week. Jonathan invited me to come along but I can’t make up my mind! It seems dangerous but exciting. Eep!
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The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions, changes, major life events, and overall shock. I’ve been having a lot of self-realizations: everything that I’ve been suppressing for the past several years is now spilling out of me.
I can’t depend on other people to fuel my ego and make me “happy”. I can’t keep up this dominance act. I truly want equality in my relationships from this point forward. Underneath the tough front that I put up, I’m actually a lot weaker than I thought. It’s all rooted in fear.
First things first: I closed on my house! I now legally own property in the state of Texas. The place is adorable. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and 2 living areas. Huge backyard. Right in the middle of Hyde Park. I’ve got a couple guys moving in this week and I really hope they’re cool…ish. I’m worried they might be college bro’s! Either way, I’ll be earning $2,100 a month on the place. That income will allow me to work for free on film sets for a while, until I can land a gig that pays.
Beyond that, a few of us finally moved back into House of Commons. It’s so nice to have a place to call home again and I’m super stoked on my room! We had all been homeless for so long and it’s so beautiful to have our community back together again. I’m going to install my new X Pole this afternoon. Pictures soon.
The Sunken Garden shoot is going really well. I got to be Assistant Camera the other day which was really informative. I got to see/touch/learn more about the RED Camera. She’s gorgeous.
Anyway, here are some photos from the other night at the Cathedral of Junk. That night we referred to it as the Cathedral of Drunk.
